Tuesday, December 31, 2002

2002

So...long holiday break, no school, nothing to report. It's the end of the year and I'm sort of glad to see it go. I liked Meghan's idea of her top ten photos of the year, but since I have very few photos, I can't really do that. Instead, you get the top ten things I did this year.

1. I didn't get married. My wedding was set for January 5, and fortunately I didn't go through with it.

2. I went back to school. I had nine hours left in December of 1999 and didn't bother to go back for two more years. I'm pretty good at procrastination...

3. I went to San Francisco. If it wasn't so expensive to live there, I'd move right away. Seriously.

4. I got a job before I graduated from College. DISD signed my contract two days before I got my walking papers from my college. I was relieved to not have to experience the post-college stress of looking for work.

5. I graduated from College. Never thought I'd be 24 when that happened, but at least I got it over with.

6. I made it through the summer from hell. Yeah. Not very pleasant, with the training, the awful breakup, the moving twice.

7. I started living by myself. It's wonderful.

8. I got a new car.

9. I made it through the first half of the school year. See the archives from August through last week and you'll see just how delightful it was. Hah. Worst job of my life! But, yeah, it has its good points...they're just infrequent.

10. The best thing, by far, about this year is all the new friends I made. Everybody I work with, all my silly neighbors...I met so many really interesting people just in the last six months. I never would have made it through all this school BS without these people.

I have no idea what next year holds, but I hope it's fun.

Monday, December 23, 2002

Merry...

It's funny to me how when I was a little girl, I could tell you to the minute how long it was until Christmas once school let out. I was, of course, more excited about presents than anything else. We always open gifts from the family at precisely 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, then on Christmas morning I would get my big presents [bike, computer, etc] from Santa Claus. And my stocking from my grandma. She made it when I was a little baby and I still get to open it on Christmas to this day. The same one. Anyway, being the only child and the only grandchild, I was always showered with many more gifts than I deserved. After opening presents with my Mom's family, my dad would pick me up and take me to his family's Christmas celebration.

It was such a stark contrast between the two. Even as a little girl I could sense it. My mom's mom has a huge house, money to spare and a lot of tension. At my dad's mom's it was always really crowded because her house is so small, kids everywhere, fewer gifts - but everyone was just happy to see each other. Christmas was really the only time I ever saw that side of my family since my dad was never that great about keeping up with visits and stuff.

Now that I'm an adult [ha] I've come to kind of dread the holiday season. It's so stressful figuring out what to buy for everyone and matching up everyone's insane schedules. Both my parents are remarried now and I have these huge stepfamilies. It's so sad - everything's timed out by the hour. My stepsister told us she'll stop by between 10 and 11 on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. She has two little baby boys, and between all their parents' various stepfamilies the kids have something like six sets of grandparents. It's insane! I can't imagine having to be carted around like that on Christmas. I'd just stay home.

I sort of feel like the little kids too, though - Tomorrow we'll visit with my stepsister for the hour, then we have my aunt and uncle over, then our immediate family opens gifts that night. Sometime in there I'm going to get Stephanie, the little girl from my class that will be in Tyler also. Christmas morning my mom, stepdad and I get up at 4 or 5 and drive the five hours to Wichita Falls where within the allotted six-hour time period that we're there I have to have Christmas with my mom's family and my dad's. At the end of the day we drive back to Tyler - another five hours in the car. It's just so stressful! The first year that my mom was married to my step dad I just said screw it and spent Christmas with my friend and her family. I couldn't deal with all the moving around and driving and such.

But, in spite of all the drama and annoyances, I'm glad I'll get to see my mom. I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Emily again, and most of all I'm excited to get to talk with my sisters-in-law. They're wonderful girls and always give me good advice. Maybe I'm just getting too old to be excited about it all, but I'm not really even that giddy about presents this year. I already bought myself what I really wanted [a new couch and chair] so anything else will just be stuff I don't really need anyway, but I suppose it will be fun regardless.

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely next few days whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Friday, December 20, 2002

Two Weeks Paid Vacation

I can't believe I made it through the first half of the year. As of 4 p.m. today, I do not have to see the halls of my school for 16 days. It sounds like a long time, but I imagine it will go by rather quickly. Still. Two weeks of no lesson plans, no screaming children and no work. Beautiful.
 
Being the last day of school before Christmas, we had parties today. I got so many presents from the children:
  • Two poinsettia plants

  • Three boxes of chocolates

  • Two baskets of cookies

  • Some kind of odd porcelain girl figurine

  • Some kind of odd snowman figurine

  • A surprisingly pretty glass cat, which was actually really sweet. The boy who gave it to me kept telling me all day that my present was "really special." See, a couple of months ago I told the class about this cat I had for a long time that died last year. That day, this boy drew a picture of a cat with a halo and wrote my cat's name under it. I guess he remembered that and wanted to give me a new cat to replace the dead one. Or something.

  • A coffee cup filled with candies

  • A nice candle, which was perfect because it replaced one that I already had of the exact same variety that had run out

  • A bottle of perfume and some other cosmetic stuff - the kid's mom and I talked about makeup one afternoon and she actually remembered what kind of perfume and makeup I said I liked.

The best present, though, was from a kid in one of the sixth grade classes, this girl Selina. She made me a bracelet with my name on it. Not my first name, of course, but Ms. Owen, like the kids have to call me at school. I prefer Miss Owen, but I won't complain because the bracelet is fabulous. It's one of those beaded bracelets like all girls used to wear when we were little. I love it.
 
I gave every kid in my class a present and bought the class pizza. They were really good during the party.
 
I'm actually going to get to see one of my students over the break. She's spending Christmas in the same small town that I am, so her mom and I traded phone numbers. I'm going to go get her on Christmas Eve and bring her to my house. She's one of the really good, sweet, adorable kids in my class so it'll be fun.
 
Other than that, though, I plan on avoiding people aged 5-12 as much as possible over the next two weeks.

Monday, December 16, 2002

Plague

Another stellar day in the elementary school. I got the third grade plague again, but, this time, not from the students. I got it from a teacher friend of mine who also teaches third grade, but at another school. She got it from our friend who is now in the hospital, so, as you might guess, I'm feeling pretty awful, and honestly I'm kind of scared. Amber's complications came in the middle of the night, and the only reason she didn't die is that she was with her boyfriend who was able to rush her to the hospital. I hope that what she has is different from what Sarah and I have, because we both live alone and if we got all sick in the middle of the night, I doubt my cat or her neighbors would be able to help either of us.

The whole school is sick, it seems. When everyone got into the room this morning, I asked who was sick. Seventeen out of 19 little hands went into the air. I spent the majority of the day writing nurse referrals and checking for fevers.

Fortunately I'm scheduled to go to some Reading Intervention training for third grade ESL teachers tomorrow, so I'll be away from the kids. I told them all to stay home tomorrow since we won't be doing anything anyway. I'm hoping that some of them do, so that at least part of the class won't be sick anymore.

Wow. I think I should probably go to bed. I'm miserably sick, and the only thing remotely interesting on TV is Telemundo. By interesting I mean that the reception is good. It's amazing to me that Telemundo, headquartered in Florida, comes in magically clear, yet WFAA [ABC station for Dallas], headquartered down the street from my apartment, doesn't come in at all.

It's hard to believe that in four short days I'll be done with school for the semester. Two weeks off. I don't think I'll know what to do with all the free time. Lots of drinking and sleeping, I'm sure.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

More...

Today was a mess. Just leave now if you don't want another one of my diatribes on the evils of the public school system. This should be short, though, because I really don't feel much like thinking about it anymore.

So, one of the sixth grade teachers was absent today. He's been absent all week. I swear he's used up all ten of his sick days in the last month! Anyway, the sub couldn't hack it, so he just got up and left. Left the 28 11-14 [yeah, there are 14-year-old sixth graders at my school] children with no supervision. They were just roaming around everywhere. Finally someone had the sense to notify the office, and the kids were divided up with other teachers.

Somehow, I ended up with eleven of them.

Take 20 eight- and nine-year-old kids, mix them with 11 11-14-year-old kids, add one very impatient and pissed off teacher, and you have, well, a mess. It was so loud all the kids were getting headaches. We got absolutely nothing done today.

The real treat was at lunch, though, when in the line I saw two of my kids pretending to be smoking weed and calling each other "little G." I met with the mom of one of the kids after school, and she told me he has a cousin that's a gang member and he totally looks up to him. Fantastic. Today the kid told me he was bored, so I asked him to write me a list of ten things he'd like to learn about. Among nicer things like wild animals and dinosaurs, he listed wrestlers and guns. Guns! He is eight! He is a little, tiny, 50-pound child! He shouldn't have to think about guns.

I'm taking tomorrow off. I can't wait. No kids tomorrow. No school. For three days. Then five more days and then...Winter Break. At last. Being off for two weeks paid will make up for at least some of the misery of the last five months.

Weak Parents

Most of the parents of my students are pretty good. They come up and ask me how their kid is doing, they show concern when their kid breaks the rules, and so forth. There's this one girl, though, that continually drives me insane. She talks back, and she repeatedly disobeys me. The other day she totally outdid herself - she stole things from inside my desk.

This girl, somehow, got into my desk drawer and took some things. I saw one of them sticking out of her pocket, and immediately asked her to remove it and give it to me. She didn't deny that she had taken it, and honestly didn't seem to care that she was in trouble.

This is where my problem with the parents comes in. I tracked her mom down at school yesterday, and told her what happened. Her response: "Oh, can you talk to her about that?"

What??? It is my job to make sure the child can add. Read. Write. It is, however, not my job to ensure that she is not a thief and a criminal. Aren't parents supposed to be responsible for anything when it comes to educating their child? The kid wasn't scared when I caught her, because she knew nothing would happen. All I can do is give them detention and sentences. Wow. How scary. She knows her parents aren't going to do anything to her, and what kid wouldn't want to be suspended?

What makes me most furious is this is the same kid who made the big fuss a few months back that boys were "bothering" her in class and made her whole family come up and talk to the principal about it. They went straight to the principal - never talked to me about the situation. The girl was lying anyway (and did eventually admit she made it all up). And now, when she's the one doing things wrong, they don't have time to bother with it. I'm just disgusted with the whole situation.

When we come back from winter break...I'm going to become a mean and strict and evil teacher. And I'm going to send kids to the office. Administration - they don't want us to send kids unless they've drawn blood on another kid. I'm not making this up. They think "all discipline should be handled in the classroom." So they just do what they want because they know we can't do anything to them.

The only reason I am able to get up and go today is that I know I don't have to go tomorrow. I took a day off. Today's going to be easy - finishing up the week of standardized tests, and not much else. Nonetheless, I really do not want to go.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

A Delightful Day at Work

I almost had to kill some kids today.

See, on Tuesdays, I run detention for my hall. Detention is always filled with fifth and sixth grade students. Today, I had the usual group of boys who always have detention with me every week no matter what. For some reason, though, they were out of control today. I don't know if it was the rainy weather, the amount [huge, horrible, disgusting amount] of candy they've been eating lately, or the fact that school lets out for Christmas in a week and a half. Something got into these kids, though, and it was a nightmare dealing with them.

I won't describe the whole glorious half hour, but I'll share the high points:
  • being punched in the stomach by a student

  • hearing a 10-year-old boy tell me in Spanish to lick his balls

  • hearing that same boy say, in English, "Miss ____! He said I didn't have one so I showed it to him!"

  • then after that hearing the kid next to him call him a "gaywad" [haven't heard that since 1987!]

  • standing in my classroom, helplessly, as two kids shot racial slurs back at each other with great ease...it ended with one telling the other that he wished he had a brick so he could shove it through the other's head.

Fifth grade. Fifth grade! These children are ten, maybe eleven years old. It's so scary to think about what they're going to be doing five, ten years from now that I don't even want to think about it.

Monday, December 9, 2002

A Total Waste of Time

I have to discuss for a moment these idiotic standardized tests. It's bad enough that we have to teach to the stupid test and write all our lesson plans with teaching to the test in mind. Now we have to start doing these practice tests all the time. I'm irritated about it right now, because I have to spend the next three days doing nothing but standardized test practice. How the hell are these children ever supposed to learn anything if all I do is give them tests constantly? It's insane. Someone should go find the education commissioner and beat his head against the wall or something. It's so frustrating.

Monday, December 2, 2002

Struggling

They told us at the beginning of the school year that this period between Thanksgiving and Christmas would be the hardest weeks of the entire year. I don't know if it's just school or what, but I'm finding that to be true. Maybe it's just letdown after being on vacation and coming back to real life. Maybe it's the usual annoyances [being poor, boys, fatigue, etc.] or something else. I don't know. I just know that I'm having trouble getting excited about anything, and I have so much to do that I'm losing my mind.

I'm thinking very hard about not teaching next year. The Alternative Certification stuff is making me insane, and if I don't finish it, the only consequence is that I don't get certified. If I don't plan to teach next year, then, well, the certification doesn't really matter so much. The worst thing that could happen is that I don't get certified, have to be in the program again next year if I continue teaching, and I'm out another $750. I suppose it makes more sense to just suck it up and finish all the awful work now, rather than cost myself $750 due to laziness.

It's just so hard to want to do anything. Here's how my day goes: up at 6. At school at 7:45. Work until 4, 5, 6...sometimes 7 or 8. Today I left at 4, because I had class tonight. Come home. Go to the gym. Come home. Take a shower, eat, and be at class in another town by 7:20. I come home again, it's already almost 10 - the time at which I have to go to bed if I want to get 8 hours of sleep.

I sit in class and fantasize about anything to escape from that which is my life. This week, I can't even look forward to the weekend, because I have to go take some test at seven in the morning on Saturday. What idiotic fool plans things like that? I can't imagine saying, "Well, I think we should have the group of 25-30 year olds arrive at seven o'clock on Saturday morning." "Why yes, fellow idiotic test planner, I agree that seven o'clock is a fine time to make people who have to go drink themselves blind on Friday to erase the dreadful week they just had arrive to take a test!"

Only one more thing to complain about, then I'll shut up: I have an extra car I need to get rid of. The parking Gestapo at my complex informed me that I can no longer take up two places. Fine. But what am I going to do with this car? I realize that I need to sell it - believe me, I could use the money - but I haven't the time nor the energy to deal with that. I'd be willing to sell this car for half of what it's worth just to get rid of it.

Ok, on to happier things now. My hair is finally starting to look like it's growing long. I have made the foolish decision to grow my hair out again. I'm tired of having to dry it each morning. When it's long, I can just put it in a ponytail or braids or something. Much easier.

I got new living room furniture. Not yet, but as soon as I get my December paycheck [I'm practically counting the hours to December 20 - payday and the last day of school before winter break!] I'm paying the other 2/3 and bringing it home. It's this gorgeous 1950's couch/chair set. I can't really describe it. I took photos of it; I'll post them as soon as I get them developed.

Winter break is coming up soon. I have from December 26 through January 3 - that's eight days - to go do something. I want to go somewhere I've never been. I don't have a lot of money, obviously, but I will have enough to go somewhere. I'd really like to take the new car on some kind of road trip, but I've gone through the Southeast too many times already, and driving most anywhere else wouldn't be very safe due to winter weather conditions. I could drive out West, but there aren't very many places I'm too interested in going. What I'd really like to do is go to Montreal. I don't know why, but the city is appealing to me.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Finally

I feel like I really, truly made a difference in one of my kids' lives today. The new kid, of course.

This morning I had him go straight to the counselor to see if she could figure out at all what's up with him and his abrupt personality shifts/intense anger. Turns out he's got a bunch of brothers and sisters, and a mom he really misses. Parents split up and everyone stayed with mom except for him. How traumatic would that be? The counselor also told me that his little pants were so small on him that they were cutting into his skin. To me, that means neglect on the part of his father. Complete and total neglect. CIS [Communities in Schools] set him up with a new wardrobe, complete with this gorgeous down-lined jacket and lots of other nice things. The counselor said he wanted to try all of it on right then and was really excited to get new things. She brought him back to me about two hours after she initially got him, and we talked for a little bit - she told me about the family situation, and also something I already knew: he's a totally sad, distraught little boy that never gets any love from anyone, anywhere. I brought him in the room alone; there were no other kids there. He showed me his new jeans, and we talked. I asked him if he knew now that I cared about him, and that the school cared about him, and he said yes. I gave him a big hug and told him I'm going to do my best to make his life better. His behavior improved 2000% today. It's amazing what a little attention and love can do for a kid. And pants that fit. I think that helped too. They're also working on getting him set up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to spend part of my Christmas bonus buying presents for my kids, so I'll know that they'll all at least get something.

I don't know. I guess I'm doing something right. More than half of the parents I met with this week told me that their kids talk about me constantly and how much they love me. It breaks my heart to think that most of these kids will probably be out of my life after this year. I don't know if I'll be able to take the year in year out influx of kids and getting so close to them only to lose them nine months later. I think I'll try to move up with my kids until they go away to middle school. That is, if I stay at that school, or Dallas for that matter, for that long.

Something else I noticed this week: when I miss the TV shows that I absolutely can't miss, it's really not that big of a deal. A lot of stuff becomes less important when I think about the fact that what I do every day really is important. These kids have it rough. One mom explained to me that her daughter is weird because there's been "problems with domestic violence and her father" all year. He's been in and out of jail because he beats his wife. She let him come back because her daughters cry. I just wanted to say, "if he beats the hell out of you all the time, he's eventually going to hurt your children!" But they're super Catholic, and don't believe in divorce.

Another one of my girls is going to have pretty major surgery over Christmas break. At least half of them are bleeding from the mouth all the time because their parents can't afford dental care, and they're all so afraid of being caught and deported they won't take advantage of the free dental care available to them. It just never ends.

I got invited to my first birthday party today. It'll be so fun to see the kids all dressed in their normal clothes [I work at a uniform-mandated school] and for them to see me in a Flaming Lips shirt or whatever, and realize how weird their teacher is.

Everyone told me not to get too involved, not to become the kids' friend, but I don't see how anyone can not do that. These kids are people, and I spend forty hours every week with them. I'm going to get attached. I'd rather be their friend than just some faceless woman at the front of the room. The teachers I remember are the ones who let me into their lives, shared their families and stories with us. Maybe my students will remember me. I hope they do.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Parent-Teacher Conferences

Three parent conferences yesterday, seven today, 10 tomorrow. Then, I get to leave at 1:30 on Friday.

Today one of the conferences, the last one of the evening, was troubling. Not due to the kid, but his mom. She told me she was four months pregnant and got some really bad news from the doctor about the baby today. He told her she had until Friday to decide whether she would continue the pregnancy. I felt so sorry for her, unable to decide what to do, and scared because she's far away from her family and already has two kids to raise on a small amount of money each month. She is, at least, fortunate to have a good husband and two kids that are wonderful.*

I just don't know how much more of the personal drama and stress that I can take. And it all seems so vital and of great importance because it's kids I'm dealing with. Anything I say or do can affect them for the rest of their lives.

I'm thinking back now to when I was in third grade. My mom got divorced and I had to move to a new school in the middle of the year. My teacher took me under her wing and was so good to me. Maybe she knew my personal life was kind of a mess - maybe not - but I still remember her to this day.

I got a new kid today. He's pretty much a disaster. Obvious anger issues, sketchy dad, no mom, and a voice that sounds like he's probably already smoking the weed that I am fairly certain his dad was smoking before he brought him to school. I'm going to do my best with this kid, but I have a feeling he's going to present huge challenges for me in the near future.

*She ended up keeping the baby - who was born 100 percent perfect and healthy in spite of what the doctor thought he saw.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Parents and Students

Remember a while back when I was griping about the lady at the grocery store using food stamps to buy a bunch of stuff while she was wearing all this expensive jewelry? Well, today I saw the exact converse of that situation.

I am lame and always forget to pack my lunch. So, many days I end up at Sonic across the street. I know, I know. Fast food nation, unhealthy, bad, evil, etc. At least it's not McDonald's. This one lady always brings me my order; she's really sweet, and seems to work so hard. She's always there. So today I noticed she was married, and assumed she had kids. I asked if she had any kids at my school. It turns out her daughter is one of my students!

I thought about that woman a lot today, and also about the family of one of my other students. This girl lives with four adults, four other children, and a baby in a two-bedroom apartment. How is that possible??

Blah. Not much else to say. Had a big visit from the district today, and for the twenty minutes that the woman was in my room, my kids were noisy, unruly, and awful. A boy even did cartwheels across the room.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Sad Afternoon

An aspect of my job that I hadn't really planned on doing was being mommy/counselor when things go wrong. I knew that kids could be mean, but I didn't realize they'd be so mean. Today, for example, when I went to pick up my kids from Gym class, I noticed that two of the girls were crying. Both girls are fairly overweight, but it's never really been an issue in our classroom - by that I mean no one has teased them or given them any cause to feel bad about their size.

Today, however, some fourth grade boys decided it would be funny to call the girls "hippopotamus" and "elephant" in front of the other kids. When we got back to the classroom, I stayed in the hall with the girls to find out what was going on - to find out why they were crying. It took them about ten minutes to get the truth out. I imagine it was pretty humiliating for them to relive and recall what had been said, and they might have even been scared that I would laugh, too. After all, they're only eight years old, and if their fellow classmates would laugh at them, why wouldn't I laugh at them also?

Figuring out what to say and do was so scary. I found myself starting to cry as I watched these two scared girls break down into sobs. I wanted to just hug them and tell them they were good girls and that everything would be alright, but I know that's not true. Realistically, if these girls stay heavy, they will continue to receive cruel treatment from their peers, and as they enter junior high it will only get worse. I didn't share that information with them, of course, but I was honest with them.

First I explained some people are just mean. When I was little, I told them, kids used to make fun of me for being too bookish and too white. I got called four-eyes, nerd, albino, Casper, and probably a bunch of other things I don't remember. It was my hope that by sharing the fact that I had been teased as well, they would trust me more and take my advice more seriously. Then I told them that there would always be someone mean that would pick on them, and that instead of giving the person the pleasure of seeing them cry, they should just hold their head up and walk away.

It got even more fun after school. I had to apprehend some sixth graders who used more profanity in the span of 30 seconds than I've ever heard anyone use. Right in the middle of the hallway, when there were still some little kids left in the building. It's rather scary to reprimand the older kids; they're likely to do something to your car, your classroom, or even to you. Some of them are bigger than me, but, I must remember that they are still kids, and still see me as an authority figure [which is just downright hilarious to me since I am anything but authoritative].

On the good side of things today, my new car still blows my mind and my paycheck was a hundred dollars more than I expected it to be. Plus I still get to sell the old car, which will net enough money to pay my car insurance for the entirety of 2003. Should, I should say. The car's in fairly bad shape, but it does have a solid engine, fabulous air conditioner and best of all, a good stereo. Ignore the dent in the front and the warped rotors on the two back tires and it's a fine automobile. All I think about now is my car. I just want to go out and drive it all the time. Sad, really, that that's the best thing in my world right now, isn't it? That's really not true, now that I think about it. The best thing is that I have a grandma that loves me enough to drop a huge amount of money on a car she'll never drive and will ride in only a few times. I'm really lucky.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Classroom Drama

More drama in the classroom. I've had a weird situation going on in my class; I probably shouldn't go into too much detail, but the basic story is that there's a boy in my class who has been "touching the girls inappropriately."

Yeah. In third grade.

So, I thought I had the situation under control - his parents took him to a counselor, he got in trouble, etc.
Well, yesterday morning, I got called to the principal's office for an emergency. I was freaked out to say the least - I thought someone had died. I didn't expect to go in and find one of my students along with her whole family wanting to know why I hadn't let her tell me that the boy had been bothering her. It was regular slam-the-teacher fest. I was angry. This little girl has had many opportunities to tell me what was going on [if it's even true; I don't believe her.] after school or during other times of the day. She's come to me about other things, and, on top of that, I specifically told the girls that they could tell me they needed to talk to me privately if a situation arose.

Two things bothered me about this more than anything else. Well, three.

1. This little girl is a liar, one way or the other, and she got away with it.*

2. I was called into the office having no idea what was going on. Enough people knew who was in there and why that they could have given me a little advance notice so I'd be able to prepare myself.

3. I really don't think he did it this time. He's been really good since the prior incidents, and I keep him separated from the girls.

Which leads me back to the lying. I feel so sorry for anyone that's falsely accused of rape, sexual harassment, or some other pervy crime. It's such a hard place to be - someone comes to you with an accusation, and you have to take it seriously, yet you doubt there's any truth in the statements. You can't just blow it off, because on the off chance that it is true, you could get sued, which could lead to the loss of your job, and so on. So this kid, who might be totally innocent this time, gets all sorts of punishment and makes it to where I have to give my class a little seminar on sexual harassment complete with one of those terrible videos meant to make the viewers better people, but really just make them hate whoever shows them the video for making them suffer.

I can't think about this anymore. I have to give a sex talk to eight year old children. Gross. I just thought about what kind of awful Google searches that sentence will turn up. Gross, gross, gross.

*Post Script - she did end up admitting to making the whole thing up to get attention.

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Visitors

It has been such a wonderful weekend so far. I had Friday off due to Fair Day [a day for all the kids and teachers to have a chance to go to the State Fair, which ends tomorrow] and, of course, I did not use it to go to the fair. When I woke up I started cleaning right away, and literally cleaned all day long. My apartment looks amazing. Everything is in its place. All my clothes and linens are clean, the floors are clean; yes, there is extrinsic motivation for this. My mom and grandma are on their way here right now.

Last night I made the mistake of going out - I went with my neighbors to Monica's, which was wonderful - there was this fantastic Flamenco-sounding band playing, and the food was good, yet not too expensive. The night went downhill after that though. We drove all the way out to Mesquite to go to the BYOB bowling alley. BYOB bowling. It doesn't get much better than that. Anyway, when we got there, there were no lanes open, and we'd have to wait an hour and a half to get one! We ended up bringing the beer suitcase [that's really what this thing is that my neighbor has] back here to the complex and I stayed up way too late. I'm hurting this morning.

Monday, October 14, 2002

Letter

This is probably the nicest thing anyone's ever written to me, but, well, just read it. Parts of it are so odd. But nice of course.

Dear Miss ____,

You are the best teacher I ever had, and the nicer teacher. You have cute eyes like the rainbow. I like your hair and is red like the flowers. I wich I could be a teacher like you because you are smart, nice, and beautiful like the angels. I will miss you when I'm in vacation with my family. I wich you have a good vacation. I like been with you because you teach us fun stuff.

By _______

Your Friends

The kids are so sweet sometimes. Makes the bureaucracy, unreasonable hours and other tortures almost worth it. New teachers: I learned something really important today. It is a lot easier to teach in a neat, clean, organized room. A student and his sister stayed after last Tuesday [that was the last time we had school - we were closed half of last week] and helped me clean and organize our classroom. It was so much easier to keep the kids calm and keep my sanity since the room was so nice. Even in the midst of an unexpected fire drill in the rain, and a fistfight at lunch between one of my little kids and a fourth grader, the kids were pretty calm today. Amazing. It also helps to remember that they're just little kids, and these kids in particular have dealt with so many awful things during their short lives.

I only have to work three more days this week, and then I have three days off. And next month, I get almost a week off for Thanksgiving. Then...a mere three weeks after that...Winter Break! Two glorious weeks away from children and teachers and schedules and the free time to be able to do something or go somewhere or at least sleep in and go shopping on Wednesday afternoons. Also, I heard about this BYOB bowling alley not too far from here that I want to check out.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Books

This week has been really irritating. Not so much the events, but the state of my health. I have no voice. It's gone, scratchy, raspy, and painful. And my own fault, because I don't give myself time to rest and heal from whatever this Third Grade Plague is. Speaking of third grade, I am very proud of my class, because we were the only third grade class [out of six] to avoid being stricken with lice. I never had lice as a child, and don't plan to get it as a teacher. Children are so nasty. I swear. This job has made me really think hard about ever having any.

Lots of socializing this week. I've gone out nearly every night. This is a stark contrast to Normal Me, who likes to stay home and be a hermit. I even have a guest here this weekend at my house, which is nice. Also nice is that my mom just came by on her way through town and brought me winter clothes. It has, magically, become cold overnight. I had one sweater and one denim jacket [which I left at someone else's house] to keep me warm, since I moved up here in the summer and only brought summer clothes. She even brought me my nice tall boots and a box of this vegetarian soup that I can't find in the grocery store here. Also, she gave me her copy of The Lovely Bones, which I've wanted to read for a while.

Books. I am totally absorbed right now. I think it has to do with the desperate need I have to escape from the sad reality which is my life. On Friday, I finally finished The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which I can now officially say is the best book I have ever read. I loved it so much that I cried when it was over. As soon as I was done I read the supplementary novella from McSweeney's #7, and I cried when I finished that too. I don't know what it was about this book and its characters, but it breaks my heart that these guys weren't real, and that there is no more of their story to tell. It should be interesting to see how the movie turns out - according to Chabon's website he's still adapting the novel for the screen, so it will probably be a while before we find out.

I started both Fast Food Nation, which I've been putting off for quite some time, and The Corrections, which a friend is insisting I read, on Saturday. Fast Food Nation will be a quick read, but The Corrections will probably take a while.

Can someone do something to make it snow so that school will be closed tomorrow? I really don't want to go.

Wednesday, October 9, 2002

$1 Bellinis

More district training today. Most of it was boring, but the afternoon session was great, and not just because the guy let us leave really early. The program we learned about might actually make my life easier. Many of the things provided by this fine [hah.] district that are supposed to help us, more often than not, just mean more work for the teacher or less real instruction for the students. All this nonsense about standardized tests is making me very ill.

A few years ago, well, maybe it was just last year? Yeah, last year, I was still at the paper in Austin and wrote a very long, very boring article about the new state-mandated test for schoolchildren in Texas. I did the best I could with the material I was able to gather, but, nonetheless, even I found the article so boring I didn't want to edit it. Standardized tests are just naturally repulsive, dry, awful material. [Pay special attention to this paragraph and how boring it is. This is my point.] It makes no sense to me at all. Children must pass the test to be promoted to the next grade level. This is to ensure that the student has learned the required TEKS [Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills] and is educated enough move on.

The nonsensical part comes in here: in teaching to this test, the children actually learn very little. Many, many hours of class time are wasted on "test-taking strategies," pre-tests, sample tests, and so on. All lesson plans must fit into the guidelines set up by the TEKS. This leaves little room for creativity or flexibility on the teacher's part. Important things like Spelling and Cursive are deemed unnecessary [at my school, anyway, I will note that these two items are covered briefly in the TEKS] and using class time for these instruction areas is frowned upon. People need to know how to spell! They need to know how to write in cursive! I want my students to be able to write a nice letter to their grandma in which they have lovely penmanship and spell their words correctly.

I guess I should shut up now, not only because I'm probably boring most of you, but because someone reading this might have kids in schools in Texas, and I don't want them to think our perfect education system is flawed. [Again, hah.]

I found a place in Dallas that has $1 Bellinis on Wednesdays. This is the highlight of my day. The low point of the day was actually giving the people at Kwik Kar Kare $40 to inspect the ghettomobile. I've been putting it off for a while. The fact that it passed amazes me. Even the emissions part! And when I got the oil changed, the guy didn't even bother trying to sell me a new air filter.
No pushy mechanics, $1 Bellinis, and rain. I suppose today wasn't so bad after all.

Monday, October 7, 2002

Evil World

It's five minutes into the 9 o'clock news, and the newscasters are still talking about people getting shot. The situation near Washington D.C. is just staggeringly awful - I think if I lived up there I would not leave my house. I'd get groceries delivered and hide.

Now they're talking about a shooting that happened here in Dallas. A father of a new baby. Thirty rounds from a "military-style" weapon. Another town around here - a police officer and a customer were shot to death in a gas station parking lot. Does that really seem necessary? Why are people filled with so much hatred and rage that they randomly shoot and kill people?

If I think about this too much it gets to me. I get scared living alone. What if something happened to me and I died? How long would it take for people to figure it out? What would happen to my cat? All of my stuff? I've been thinking lately that I should write a will. I wrote one, once, as fun afternoon activity with a childhood friend.

We were about eight or nine, I think, and now that I am recalling these things we used to do, we were pretty dark, depressive, odd. Both of us had the foundation to end up in trouble - she did, I didn't. One afternoon we were talking about dying, and decided to write wills. Silly things like, "All my books go to Katie, all my dolls go to Amber," and so forth. Just the fact that we discussed and wrote out last wishes seems crazy to me now that I work with children who are eight and nine years old. I can't imagine any of them doing something like that, yet death is something so much more familiar to these kids than it was for me and Katie.

They've dealt with so much. One kid, near the beginning of the school year, missed a couple of days because he had to go to a funeral for the cousin he saw get shot in the head. Another girl, a tiny, sweet little eight-year-old, each day at school, at least once, mentions the baby her older sister had last year that died. She draws pictures of babies with angel wings and has a picture of the dead baby in her school notebook. Every time I have the classes do something with drawing, at least one of them draws something to do with the World Trade Center. Today, for example, I instructed them to make a poster encouraging people to respect the Earth. Ecology. Anti-pollution. I didn't expect one kid to draw a picture of two tall buildings with little cross grave markers on them, with a plane going toward the building, and a note above the plane reading, "Please respect the earth by not crashing into buildings." I don't even know where to begin to discuss this kind of thing with the children. It's really more their parents' place, but sometimes they ask me questions, and I wish I had the answers.

I worry about these kids. I feel so responsible for them. It's a scary world. I wish there was something I could tell them to make them feel safe. I wish there was something I could tell myself so I might feel safe. Living in fear is a horrible thing, but when, every time I turn on the news, I see yet another thing that makes me scared, I can't help it.

Hmm. I'm probably just being dramatic because I'm doped up on both Benadryl and Contac, trying to kill the flu before it kills me. I never go to bed before midnight, and here it is 9:30, with me in my pyjamas ready to go to sleep. I don't like being sick. Especially when I absolutely have to go to work. At least the kids are off Wednesday through Friday. I can deal with sitting through boring lectures because then at least I can sit down. Monitoring 19 people's actions all day makes being sick a little more difficult.

Saturday, October 5, 2002

Linguistic Theory

There are few things in the world more annoying and pointless than standardized tests. Today, I had to take one of the lamest of them all: The ExCet [examination for the certification of educators in Texas - specifically the English as a Second Language certification test for me]. To relate how useless this test is - I have been teaching for two months now without having taken it. It means nothing. It's a state-mandated technicality. The time allotted for the exam is five hours; it took me less than one hour to complete. I'm either a linguistics genius, or I completely failed it and will have to pay another $72.00 in April to take the exam again. (Side note - as it turned out, I guess I was a genius after all - I aced that test.)

Wednesday, October 2, 2002

Everyone Loves a Parade

Today I was walking home from the liquor store near my apartment, and there were all these cops everywhere. I started talking to this guy [he was, in all seriousness, the human embodiment of Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel] who had, of course, a police scanner, but couldn't figure out what sort of crime was going on to warrant all the police.

Then I heard the familiar sound of a high school drum line and realized that there was a parade coming through the neighborhood! It was so exciting. Some high school was having their homecoming parade, through my neighborhood, early on an Wednesday evening. So odd, but also very entertaining. Cletus and I were the only English speakers around, so I couldn't really talk to anyone. There were kids everywhere...they were so excited about the parade.

Man. My life is so G-Rated these days. Anybody want to come over and have a torrid affair or do drugs or smash computers or something else deviant?

Tomorrow is Thursday which means the next day is Friday...quite a good thing. I'm exhausted and need a weekend for lots of sleeping.

Sunday, September 29, 2002

Tattoos and Tiramisu

Dallas is so lame sometimes. My friend and I spent the last couple of nights looking for any fun places to go, and we couldn't find anything. We walk around and around and around and around and we still find nothing. It's baffling how a city can be so large, yet not house a single place where either of us can listen to the type of music we like and meet other people who like our sorts of music. The night wasn't a total waste, though, because we went to Cafe Izmir and had a perfect meal - we had everything, including both Crème Brulee and Tiramisu for dessert.

Hmm. Anyway, last night before we got all bored and frustrated by not being able to find anywhere to go, I got a pretty big tattoo. It's so beautiful. It's a big, huge C from the Book of Kells. I can't find an image of this particular letter on the Internet. But, I can tell you that it is beautiful. It is so fancy and intricate and perfect. I'm so white and pale that it really looks like black on white paper. It's crazy. It is is about four inches wide, three inches tall. I'll put a picture of it up soon. I don't have a fancy digital camera - just an old-fashioned one so it takes a while for me to get pictures developed and stuff. In fact I don't even have any film now, because I took a bunch of pictures of my students last week.

My allergies are killing me. Today I got up at 10:00 a.m. only to go back to bed at 11:00 because I took so much Benadryl that I passed out. I'm freaking out right now because I have no Benadryl left. I am addicted to it, I think.

Tomorrow is the Clinic/Apples in Stereo show. I am really looking forward to a fun night - Rene, the girl I went to see Belle and Sebastian with earlier this year, is going to go with me. It is at Trees, which sucks, because I would rather it be at Gypsy Tea Room, but I won't complain. I get to see a bunch of good music and forget for a short while that I have to be around the children again Monday. I will be so exhausted. I am going to try to sleep a lot tomorrow too to make up for the sleep I'll be missing on Sunday night. I have so much to do though - laundry, cleaning, grocery store...etc. I think I shall go to sleep now so that I can get up by 10 and get this stuff done.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Frustration

Not too long ago I stopped by the Carnival [a grocery store] on the way home from work to get a couple of things. I, as a very poorly compensated teacher, of course, had very little money to spend, and could only get a very small number of items, so I didn't, you know, bounce a check. So, I got really irritated when, in line in front of me, was this lady getting a ton of food - meat, vegetables, milk, tons of cheese, cereal, and probably $100 worth of baby formula - and she didn't pay a dime. All on food stamps. The kicker is that she had on a bunch of expensive jewelry and, on top of that, was really awfully rude to the checker at the store. I got so mad that my throat was red [this is one of those weird quirks about me - when I get mad, embarrassed, etc. my throat turns bright red] and I wanted to scream at this woman: "Quit having kids, b***h! Get a damn job and stop stealing my money! I just spent the last ten hours working with bratty, ungrateful kids like yours, and I make barely enough to get by because half my paycheck goes to feed jerks like you that can't quit having kids!" I mean, I felt awful thinking that, since I'm supposed to be a good liberal and all, but damn, seriously, why can't people just quit breeding if they can't afford to keep feeding?? I understand that in some religions birth control is illegal or whatever, but that's just stupid. There are too many kids in the world already. It is not everyone's right as a human to create offspring. In fact, there are many people in the world who should be forbidden from having kids. But whatever. I should just quit getting upset about this stuff because there is really nothing in the world that can be done about it. I just don't understand why someone who has no money anyway would want to bring a kid into the world that they can't support. And then have, like, four more just for fun. It's just insane. I will never understand it.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Open House

Tonight was Open House at my school. It was so weird to be the teacher, and not the kid. During the teacher introductions, the principal said my name incorrectly. Come on! The least you can do is know how to say the teachers' names. And my name is easy. I really have nothing else to say. I worked for 13 hours today and my feet hurt. I am tired. I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I Can't Believe I'm Actually

Bored. I have four hundred and fifty-five thousand things I could be doing right now, but I'm just going out of my mind with boredom. I worked twelve hours today, and one can only do so much, so I cut myself off from doing work. I'm a strong believer in separating work life from real life, so when I leave school, that's that - I'm not ever bringing my grade book or lesson plans or anything home again because it's just not necessary. I want to be able to look forward to coming home, not dread it because there's more work to do here.

The problem is that I don't have cable. See, if I had cable I would be so entertained and happy right now. I could watch any number of programs, and waste the evening blissfully. Yes, yes, I know I could be reading books or writing something of merit or spending time with friends. But - reading books and writing things of merit takes thought and effort, and I'm just about spent in those categories for today. In fact, I'm using my last little bit of energy to write this. Friends, ah, friends. Unfortunately, most of them are teachers too, and the third week of the month is the week when we're all so broke it hurts, plus everyone's too tired to socialize. I'm just tired and poor and emotionally drained from work.

My neighbor is playing some kind of fighting game on his Playstation and it's really loud. It's funny to have opera playing in here, and then to hear Tekken 4 or whatever through the oh-so-thin walls. Feels a bit cinematic. I need to figure out a way that the VCR, DVD and Nintendo 64 can all be hooked up to my TV at once. Also, I should buy more than one movie to watch on the DVD machine.

---

I had a rough time sleeping last night. See, this girl got murdered over here the other day. My apartment place owns a bunch of buildings all within a few blocks of each other, and at one of our places this girl got stabbed to death this past weekend. By her boyfriend. So it's not so much that I was scared for my own safety, which I normally would be since I'm so, so, terribly afraid of all things homicide/death/rape related, but really I was just so sad for this poor girl. They put a letter on all our doors telling us that there was a 'homicide - domestic abuse' in one of the complexes, which totally freaked me out - almost as much as when I saw my leasing office on the news with cops and police tape all around it, and talk of a murder. Then, when I was in class last night, the professor had the newspaper there and I read the article about it:

Man arrested in fatal stabbing of ex-girlfriend
09/16/2002

From Staff Reports

A 31-year-old Dallas man has been arrested by police investigating the stabbing death of his 23-year-old ex-girlfriend early Saturday.

Police officials said Alexander Ortiz broke into Racquel Barrientos' Old East Dallas apartment about 4:15 a.m. and stabbed her repeatedly. During the attack, Ms. Barrientos' roommate fled to get help from an off-duty officer who lives in the complex in the 5100 block of Live Oak Street. The officer spotted Mr. Ortiz and arrested him.

Ms. Barrientos was transported to Baylor University Medical Center, where she died.


It just broke my heart to think that this girl had to die like that. I just kept thinking about the fact that the last thing she saw was probably a knife coming toward her and a look of hate in the eyes of someone she used to love. You never know when somebody's gonna snap on you. People are crazy.

I couldn't stop thinking about it and was up a good part of the night jumping at every little sound and feeling sad for a dead stranger. Why do people have to be so mean? If this guy was mentally sick, why didn't someone try to help him? That poor girl. She won't get a chance to live her life now, a young life destroyed just like that all due to anger, insecurity, jealousy...whatever this man was feeling at that time.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Gone

I lost another one of my kids today. This little girl's mom just up and withdrew her right at the end of the day. She didn't even get a chance to say bye to her friends, and barely got to empty her locker. I am so sad and scared, because this is the child who came to school hungry each day, because her parents don't feed her breakfast. She is a very sad, troubled little girl. I had so many plans to help her and improve her life, but now I won't get to at all. The upside is that I'm down to 19 kids now, which makes it a lot easier to help each of them. We had a birthday party for one of the boys today - his mom brought cake and sodas and everything. It was fun. She also offered to volunteer in the classroom; I'm really excited about this because she is one of the few parents that are bilingual. I can get her to translate stuff for me.

Friday, September 13, 2002

SMASH

Can I just give all my kids Ritalin and be done with it? Or Xanax? Anything? They are so incredibly wild! I swear. To be eight and have tons and tons and tons of energy. We had a sort of good time for part of the afternoon today. The boys all had to go to the auditorium for some lame Boy Scouts rally [they all came back excited about guns! fishing! camping! etc.] so it was just me and the girls. We all looked at each other, and all noted how nice and quiet and lovely it was without the boys around. I said, "What do y'all want to do?" and they wanted to play games, of course, and cheerleaders, so that's what we did. We sat down to play hot potato, but of course it turned into Papas Caliente since they prefer Spanish, and that got old pretty fast so they showed off the routines they're learning in cheerleading.

I went next door to this other teacher's room, just looked at her, and she said, "So, I want to go work at an all-girls' school now. How about you?" I totally do - it was so fun with all the boys [read: behavior problems] gone. I wrote GIRLS CLUB on the whiteboard and let them do whatever they wanted. It wasn't getting too out of control, so I took them next door so they could do the cheers with the other teacher's class.

Now here's where the file under: Another Example of how Much my Students' Lives Suck category - A couple of our girls were playing MASH. [For boys who might not know, MASH is a fun fortune telling game where you find out who you will marry, how many kids you'll have, what kind of car you'll drive, and, what type of residence in which you will reside. Mansion, Apartment, Shack or House.] They weren't playing MASH, though, they were playing SMASH. I asked what the extra S was for, and without even looking up or pausing or anything, a little girl simply said, "Shelter." How crazy out of hand is it that shelter as a type of residence is totally normal to these children?

---

Wow, I just got a phone call from my old boss at the cleaners. She's doing alright and is going to be starting nursing school soon. It was nice to talk to her - I've lost touch with a lot of people from that wacky time spanning from November of last year to March of this year. We talked about which customers we'd seen around town [in Tyler - I swear I saw like fifteen at the Country Club July 4th soirée] and other ex-dry cleaners employee gossip.

I haven't watched any TV today at all. Well I did this morning, but that doesn't count so much. I haven't turned the TV on since I got home from work. I can't really say what exactly I have been doing, because I can't remember. Laundry, um, some other housework, maybe talked on the phone some? What have I been doing for the last three hours?

Tomorrow is Friday! Hoorah! No children for two days! And I get to see both Sleater-Kinney and the Piet Mondrian exhibit at the Kimball this weekend. I might even dye my hair too. Phone's ringing. Bye.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Math

I have to talk again about just how amusing my eight-year-olds are. Today I was informed that I am "not an adult" and that I'm "just a kid" like the rest of them. Now. If you are eight, and you have the impression that someone is a kid like you, are you going to obey them? No, of course not. I can't even get my cat to mind, much less 21 [two got transferred to another class...it's great having numbers that actually meet state requirements] children.

One girl, after my repeated attempts to quiet the class, said, "Miss! We're just little kids! We don't know how to be quiet!" And it's true. They don't. Not yet, anyway. I'm going to keep trying.

After school let out, I went to tell my friend across the hall bye, and he was all flustered because he couldn't get one of his girls to understand 1/5. He asked if I would help, and after relating the elusive fraction to a C-note and five separate shirt purchases at the mall, the child totally understood, and I felt good for half a second about my competency as an educator. Half a second, mind you, because then I remembered that my kids had to ask what frozen meant today, and can't follow the simplest instructions.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

One Year Later

It's weird that it's been a whole year. Nationally and personally, that week in September last year was a pretty trying one. I spent the week of and two weeks following September 11 living in a hotel in Austin because I'd been kicked out of my apartment after I broke off my engagement. Watching the coverage and nothing else on my hotel TV was so mind numbing. I remember the first morning after, driving to work and seeing a bunch of people doing patriotic stuff like waving flags and collecting money for the victims. I felt weird about all of that then, and I still do now.

---

That morning I was at work at the newspaper and my circulation guy called to tell me right when he found out - I'd just gotten to work so I'd say it was about 8:30 CST. That whole day was insane because Tuesday was our deadline day [weekly paper], and all the planes that we'd normally use to transport our discs to the press were down, and everyone was just a disaster. I felt good about the fact that I got to write for a newspaper about what will probably be the single largest news event of my life. I still have the clip, and it's small and lame, but it is there for me to show to my children someday or whatever it is that people do with all the pointless things that they save.

I'm glad I got to at least go to the World Trade Center before it was gone. I met a friend there when I was visiting NJ/NYC a couple of summers ago. I was so impressed with all the stores that were down there in the underground part, and just the sheer ridiculous size of the buildings. When the attack happened, all I could keep thinking about was the nice old fella I bought a pretzel from out front when I was waiting for Matthew to meet me. I wondered if he'd been there that day and just how much it screwed up his life, if he survived. It's so weird to think that all that stuff is just gone.

---

Anyway, that said, I'm preparing myself for a day of sappy media coverage and fake kindness that should exist all the time, not just on the anniversary of what is essentially a huge mass murder.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say about this. It sucks. That's obvious and true. It sucked because a bunch of people had to die too early, and it sucks that there are people who would just blindly kill strangers and themselves for some religious mission or hatred or whatever it was. It also sucks that there are things that make the US a country that would inspire people, crazy or not, to hate it enough to do something like this.

Tuesday, September 3, 2002

Yeah, So -

I really don't like teaching grade school. It's a really painful job. So, again, never take any job teaching children. It's two weeks into the year and I already want to quit. But I refuse...I will make it so that I can have two months paid vacation next year, not to mention all the breaks between now and then. I'm also determined to at least try to make these children learn something.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention last night that I got my Psycholinguistics professor to talk about pot in class. That was funny. Also, it was funny when we were talking about infixes, and since I already took a class about them, I knew that "f*cking" was the only fairly common infix in the English language, so I had to laugh when he brought it up, then after telling the class there was only one, he wrote it on the board...it was funny. Example of f*cking as an infix: unf*ckingbelievable, inf*ckingcredible, etc. His example was "Alaf*ckingbama," which brought special delight to me as I thought of my friends and family who live in that state.

Keep in mind - this is a class I am being required to take in order to obtain my teaching certification. Questionable...

Saturday, August 31, 2002

24-Hour Party People

So I went to see this movie tonight. I really enjoyed it. The theater was packed - we had to sit in the far back row in the middle, which turned out to be great. The people to my left were obviously really, really excited about the movie, just like me. I didn't realize how much history there was with Manchester music and its evolution. I sort of wish that the film had gone a little further and talked more about the Stone Roses and the Charlatans and stuff since I'm really too young to remember when Joy Division came out. I guess that's actually better though, since I do remember the early nineties/late eighties. They chose some really good actors for the roles. The guy playing Ian Curtis was wonderful.

What you could tell with this movie is that there was just so much going on in that city over the last few decades music-wise. It was sort of obvious that Mr. Winterbottom could have made a five-hour movie and still not included all the information that he would have liked. I wish someone would do a documentary on British music similar to what Ken Burns did with Jazz.

Anyway, the movie brought back a lot of memories of when I was 12 and discovered music. It was fun. But that weird font they kept using was really, really annoying. Go see the movie and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Oh, it also made me want to go to England really badly for Spring Break. I didn't spend very much time in Manchester, and I'd like to go back.



First Week: Check.

When all the kids finally left today, I sat at my desk and just stared at the walls for probably fifteen minutes. I can't believe I made it through the week.

The worst part is that I already miss some of my kids. Wow.

I got to do some shopping in the last couple of days. I wish I had a digital camera so I could show off my fabulous new stuff. The first thing I got was the earrings I've had on hold at Gifted for a million years. They're these little loops with little stainless steel miniature...oh, I don't know what those things are called, you know, the thing that looks sort of like three snakes that goes in the middle of one of those 45's that has the big open part in the middle. That. If anyone can remember what those things are called, please leave a comment and tell me (ok - they're called 45 adapters). They're wonderful. Then I got a black long-sleeved Paul Frank shirt with a monkey skull and crossbones.

Today I got a Lemony Snicket book and a t-shirt also. It has the kids on it and some words. It's too big but maybe I can shrink it.

A friend and I got into a fight/discussion about America vs. Mexico at the bar tonight. She was saying that I should be learning Spanish from my kids rather than teaching them English since Hispanic is the majority race here. I agree that I should learn Spanish, but I think they need to learn English too. Whatever. They don't want to learn anything.

I think I'm going to maybe go buy a new record tomorrow. Somebody tell me what to buy.

Monday, August 26, 2002

Unfair.

Well. So, my best friend called me tonight and gave me the bad news that one of our buddies from way back died the other night. He drank himself to death. Was up drinking with his friend and went to bed, then never woke up. How messed up is that? People just shouldn't die that way. At all. Ever. (Note - going back and editing these old posts now - when I wrote this I never would have dreamed that just five years later my own father would die in this exact same way. I am so incredibly haunted by the image of both of these beautiful men - my friend and my daddy - lying dead this way with the bottle next to their heads. I'm not sure I'll ever really get over it.)

I met this fella at church, when I was in ninth grade. I went to church to meet boys and he was one that I met. Totally breathtakingly beautiful. Eyes like the color of some marble or something, all swirly and blue outlined with pale green centers. He was total trouble - if there is a god and a heaven and all that jazz, I wonder if they'll kick him out for the time when we were fourteen and he peed in the suggestion box at church. Or any of the other conventionally awful but nonetheless hilarious things he did. He was a nice guy. I had fun times with him. It's sad. I don't know what else to say about it.

I Love my Teacher!

Yeah, so, apparently I am not the meanest teacher in the history of education. Apparently I'm "nice." Nice = pushover. Damn. One little girl even told another teacher, about me, "I love my teacher! She's so nice!" This kid cracked me up earlier...not really something to laugh about, but she drew a picture for me of the twin towers getting hit by the planes, and then kept talking about the "Eiffel Towers" getting hit. It was just sort of cute how she was all confused about the different famous towers in the world.

I did call a kid out today though. I make them fill in this form letter I set up with what they did wrong, etc. then take it home for their parents to sign. He just wouldn't shut up! It worked out fabulously, because his mom came to the classroom after school, and I got to talk to her about it. I bet he's good tomorrow. If he's not, I'm going to call her, and we'll have a meeting. He's not a bad kid, but excessive talking is so rude. Especially when I'm reading a book to the class. Really. Be quiet.

So, I guess overall it wasn't so...uh, wait. Yeah, it was. It was hot all day, and the kids got fussy and hungry around 10 and I had to give them my lunch. This precious little child kept saying, "Teacher, I'm hungry" and I could only imagine that she probably didn't get breakfast at home...I had to share. Poor kids. Literally, poor. They tell us that for some of them, the free breakfast and lunch at school is all the food they get to eat, and that for a small group, they literally don't get any food at home over the weekend. I guess that's why most of my kids are really small for their age.


Sunday, August 25, 2002

And So it Begins

Sigh. School starts tomorrow. I have had a zillion jobs and I have never been as scared of a first day as I am of this one. But anyway, I'm sick of thinking about it.


I am so, so, so very poor. I literally have no money in the bank anymore. Never realized just how much it costs to support oneself. Fortunately, I get my paycheck for the month in just three short days, at which point I will go to Gifted and pick up the excellent earrings I have on layaway. I will then proceed to Good Records and buy tickets for some of those blasted concerts that were scheduled on inconvenient days. I've decided to just go see Wilco and the Apples in Stereo/Clinic show mainly because I can't afford to go to six concerts in one month, financially or physically. This month is going to be demonic, evil, and awful. I have like four thousand meetings and a bunch of training classes to attend, not to mention the ExCet test on October 5...oh, and a bunch of little kids I have to look after and educate every day.

I liked the idea a friend had for listing the top five events from the summer, which, sadly, is now over.

1. Graduating from college

2. Meeting all the foolish people I work with

3. The week-long hotel party with the people from Long Beach

4. The Breeders/American Analog Set music extravaganza last week

5. Living in an apartment with pink walls
I hope things go ok tomorrow. If the kids are too evil, they'll come back from lunch to find their dead teacher slumped over her chair with razor blades or a gun or something nearby. I wonder how messed up those kids would be for the rest of their lives if that happened? It won't get that far though...I'm going to be the meanest, strictest third grade teacher that school has ever seen. No problems in my class.

Now, we'll just see what I have to say about that tomorrow.

Friday, August 23, 2002

Early Evening

Wow, the lamest thing about my job so far is that it's ten o'clock and I'm already home and done with going out for the night. In addition to that, I am too tired to do anything else. Or say anything else. To defend myself, I did have quite a bit of tequila tonight.

I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and dealing with my classroom. This is sad, because tomorrow is Saturday. At least I enjoy being there. I got 27 kids, all English as a Second Language (ESL) kids, mostly from Mexico.  Apparently someone is going to take digital pictures of my classroom next week, so I'll post some pictures of how lovely it is once I get them.

I'm afraid I'm becoming one of those teachers who lives and breathes school and her job. It doesn't help that nearly all of my friends are teachers too. What have I gotten myself into?

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Bang.

Hmm. I don't really have anything to say today. I worked way too late. I'm mad because I found out another one of my friends has fewer than 20 students in her class and it looks like I'm going to have nearly 30. I'm going to lose my mind chasing around all those little kids. Just shoot me now, ok?

Monday, August 19, 2002

Various Annoyances

The first day at school was fantastic. I got a clean classroom which is really all I could ask. I have three computers, a color printer, and an enormous television. Seriously. I'm just gonna go hang out at school all the time. We get cable. Cable! In a third grade classroom? Yeah. Maybe I can watch some of the shows I like now. At the rate I'm going, I'm never going to get cable. I'm so broke, criminal charges should be brought against the school district. It's bad. I get paid next week and it's almost all already spent. After that I don't get paid again until the end of September. But that check...man, it's gonna be huge. I get half of my signing bonus plus $250 for supplies. It's neat that we get that supply money a month into the school year...


...That's the cool thing about school board decisions. They make no sense. It's almost like some kind of sick comical game that these disgustingly rich and wealthy, overwhelmingly white people play with the education system here. I spent several hours last Wednesday at a school board meeting. Generally, I really enjoy wasting my time, because it's fun. Sometimes I sit in staff meetings or training classes, and while it's boring, it's kind of fun because I figure out some way to occupy my mind, pass notes to my friends, or, on the rare occasion that the information being imparted is actually worthwhile, I learn something. This school board meeting, though, my God. It was so bad I couldn't even fantasize about being somewhere else. I think that they do all that parliamentary procedure crap to make it so boring and droll that no one will show up, so they can make decisions and when people get mad, they can say "well, you should have come to the board meetings!" It also helps that they schedule them when most parents are at work, meaning that only a precious few housewives [who probably can't come because they have other little kids at home to take care of] and people who happen to be off work in the middle of the afternoon will be able to come.

The saddest part was when the few parents and teachers who were there stood to speak, and it was just painfully obvious that the school board members and the superintendent didn't care at all what was being said. It made me furious.

Oh, I learned something else fantastic today. Former president Ronald Reagan, back when I was a little kid, signed a bill known as the "Double Dipper" into law. The basics of this are that if a person [say, ME] works for long enough in the for-profit sector to earn Social Security benefits upon retirement but also worked long enough in the non-profit sector [the vast majority of non-profit workers are public school employees] to earn benefits from a system such as TRS [Teacher Retirement System], their Social Security benefits are reduced by sixty percent.

You have got to be kidding me. If I earn my Social Security, I deserve to get those benefits upon retirement. If some other girl and I both started working at the same time, and paid into SS long enough to get our full retirement benefits, then we both quit working for the rest of our lives, and then started drawing our SS at the designated age [67 for me], we'd both get full benefits. But if she quit working and I started contributing to a system like TRS, a system that is totally separate from SS and in no way affects SS's fund pool, if I draw TRS benefits upon retirement, I'd lose sixty percent of my SS benefits. It just makes no sense at all. None. If you put more into your retirement fund, you should get more when you retire. The end.

Anyway, this archaic, stupid law has been slashed from the books in all but 14 states, one of which is, of course, Texas. We've been instructed to add to the mountain of more than 250,000 pieces of mail that's already been sent to Texas legislators asking them to pass bills SB1523 and HR2638 which would eliminate this problem.

Man, this job had better be as rewarding as everyone says it is, because it's seriously stressing me out already. And school hasn't even started yet.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

No Themed Outfits!

Oh, city life. Today is my first day as a minion of the evil empire of the Dallas Independent School District. I just watched my first traffic report before work and, yeah, there's some sort of wreck between here [my apartment] and there [school].

I know there's going to be a lot of whispering and gossip and debate about the Edison Project, of which our school is a part. I plan to keep my trap shut and stay out of every conversation possible, save those that involve talking just to my already-established friends.

Yeah, right. I don't know that I'm ever able to keep my mouth closed, especially when it comes to something I feel strongly about. Anyway, I'm worried. I'm more scared of these catty teachers than I am of the kids, who I don't meet for another week. Anybody gives me trouble...I guess I'll just have to kick some apple-wearin' ass. God save the teachers and their deplorable wardrobes. And please don't ever let me fall into their ways.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

99% + Girl Trauma

Ninety-nine percent is the grade I received on my big semester project in my English class. I just found this out about 20 minutes ago, and I'm so excited but have no one to tell, since it is almost 1:00 in the morning.

This project took all semester, and, upon completion, was about 1.5 inches tall when bound. The paper itself wasn't that long, but there was a lot of research involved and we had to provide copies of all our sources. And I got a 99! I only did one tiny thing wrong, and I know what it was (misspelled one word), so that means I did everything else right. This is exciting. I feel really confident right now, and I feel like all that work and bother was worth the trouble.

The best part is that now it is mathematically impossible for me to fail this class. If I don't show up for the final, I still pass. If I show up and make an F, I still get an A in the class. At the beginning of the semester I was terrified that I wouldn't even make it through the semester, and now I'm pretty much assured an A. This class is hard. We have tough reading assignments every night and quizzes every class period. At least ten of the original 40 or so people dropped. I'm just so happy about this grade.


In addition to the things I'm reading for school, I'm currently enjoying a book called Fast Girls by Emily White. It's about teenage cliques, and how every school has at least one girl that's labeled a slut.

Now that I'm looking at the likely possibility of being a middle school teacher within the next four months, I'm starting to think about what it was like when I was 13, scared, and teased by my classmates. Junior high was painful. I wasn't unattractive, unintelligent or unfriendly, and yet I still felt like the whole school, save my small group of friends, was against me, and that I was the most hideous creature to ever grace the halls of my smalltown junior high. I guess it's just part of being an adolescent, but I really wish that it didn't have to be this way for young girls [boys either, but being a girl I am more sensitive to their issues].

I want to seek out books, research, anything - anything that can help me understand why this happens, why girls are teased and tormented, and what I, as a teacher, can do to intervene and maybe stop some of it.

This idealized vision I have of reaching out to these underprivileged kids and making a difference in their lives is going to drive me crazy. I'm not satisfied with the notion that if I save just one, all the work will be worthwhile. I want to change the way a lot of these kids think, and maybe their parents too. I want them to see that it's ok to be smart, and that it's better in the long run to be nice to people.

I'm going to look back at this when I'm 35 and laugh at myself for having such lofty dreams, but I suppose sometimes you have to set your goals a little high to accomplish anything at all.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

All I Need is the Air that I Breathe

School was a chore today. The end of the semester always gets to me. I needed to relax tonight, so I went on a really long walk.

The weather this time of year in Texas is better than the weather is anytime anywhere else in the world. It's so nice out the air even smells good. Little flowers seem to be blooming on every spare patch of land left in the state. Where these blossoms come from I do not know - it's almost like you go to bed one night and it's really cold, then you wake up the next day and it's gorgeous and there are flowers everywhere. Tonight I went out for about an hour and experienced the sublime heaven that is Texas in April.



I live in a neighborhood situated between the two parts of a golf course, with a country club/tennis complex near my street. My walk tonight took me through a large portion of the golf course, the part that runs along the main road leading out of the neighborhood.

It's very nice along the course; for about ten yards between the links and the street the grass is mowed and kept neat, but not manicured like the actual playing area. Wildflowers are allowed to grow freely, and rocky places are left rocky. This part of the state is mainly forestland, and much of the grand old trees that were here long before a developer decided to build a bunch of houses still exist on the perimeters of the neighborhood. It reminds me of a fortress - I feel one hundred percent safe walking through the streets here at any time of day or night, but I wouldn't dare step foot outside that wall of trees past sundown. An illusion, I suppose, designed to sell houses.

This evening the streets were especially crowded with golf carts, people and dogs. I walked much farther tonight than I usually do and saw up close, for the first time, just how pretty those few yards next to the golf course are. As I came to the end of my journey back home, I wanted to turn around and run back and forth through the trees, grass, flowers and dirt. It made me miss being a child, and made me want to be as healthy as I can for as long as I can so I can continue to experience Aprils in Texas for a very long time.

Wednesday, April 3, 2002

Maestra! Maestra!

Today was fairly interesting. I went to an elementary school to volunteer as a sub for the day. My assignment was a first grade bilingual/ESL class. Now, my knowledge of Spanish goes no further than two years I took back in fifth and sixth grade. Most of these kids' knowledge of English was minimal as well. Fortunately, there were a few kids who were fluent, and helped me out a lot. We did math, reading, writing, phys. ed. and computer class.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed working with these children. For the most part, they were polite and kind to me. Sort of makes the notion of teaching high school seem a little less desirable.

I'm mailing my application to DISD tomorrow, and should know in a few weeks if I will be hired. A friend who already works for DISD insists that I have nothing to worry about; most of the teachers there, he says, are not nearly as qualified as I am. We shall see.

Tuesday, April 2, 2002

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my mother and I are volunteering to be subs at this elementary school. One of the first grade teachers was killed in a car wreck over the weekend, and this dreadful little town doesn't have enough regular subs or parents to volunteer to cover the classes so this poor lady's friends can go to her funeral. So, they had to put a notice in the newspaper today that they desperately needed volunteers from the city to help watch the classes. I think this is so sad. Maybe this apathy on the part of parents (and students, really) is some of the reason why I've made this sudden change in career paths and am applying to teach in Dallas next year. I feel like something has to change in the education system here and the best way to change something is to go ahead and do what you can yourself.

Wish me luck. I'm sending the application in on Thursday.