Weak Parents

Most of the parents of my students are pretty good. They come up and ask me how their kid is doing, they show concern when their kid breaks the rules, and so forth. There's this one girl, though, that continually drives me insane. She talks back, and she repeatedly disobeys me. The other day she totally outdid herself - she stole things from inside my desk.

This girl, somehow, got into my desk drawer and took some things. I saw one of them sticking out of her pocket, and immediately asked her to remove it and give it to me. She didn't deny that she had taken it, and honestly didn't seem to care that she was in trouble.

This is where my problem with the parents comes in. I tracked her mom down at school yesterday, and told her what happened. Her response: "Oh, can you talk to her about that?"

What??? It is my job to make sure the child can add. Read. Write. It is, however, not my job to ensure that she is not a thief and a criminal. Aren't parents supposed to be responsible for anything when it comes to educating their child? The kid wasn't scared when I caught her, because she knew nothing would happen. All I can do is give them detention and sentences. Wow. How scary. She knows her parents aren't going to do anything to her, and what kid wouldn't want to be suspended?

What makes me most furious is this is the same kid who made the big fuss a few months back that boys were "bothering" her in class and made her whole family come up and talk to the principal about it. They went straight to the principal - never talked to me about the situation. The girl was lying anyway (and did eventually admit she made it all up). And now, when she's the one doing things wrong, they don't have time to bother with it. I'm just disgusted with the whole situation.

When we come back from winter break...I'm going to become a mean and strict and evil teacher. And I'm going to send kids to the office. Administration - they don't want us to send kids unless they've drawn blood on another kid. I'm not making this up. They think "all discipline should be handled in the classroom." So they just do what they want because they know we can't do anything to them.

The only reason I am able to get up and go today is that I know I don't have to go tomorrow. I took a day off. Today's going to be easy - finishing up the week of standardized tests, and not much else. Nonetheless, I really do not want to go.

A Delightful Day at Work

I almost had to kill some kids today.

See, on Tuesdays, I run detention for my hall. Detention is always filled with fifth and sixth grade students. Today, I had the usual group of boys who always have detention with me every week no matter what. For some reason, though, they were out of control today. I don't know if it was the rainy weather, the amount [huge, horrible, disgusting amount] of candy they've been eating lately, or the fact that school lets out for Christmas in a week and a half. Something got into these kids, though, and it was a nightmare dealing with them.

I won't describe the whole glorious half hour, but I'll share the high points:

• being punched in the stomach by a student


• hearing a 10-year-old boy tell me in Spanish to lick his balls


• hearing that same boy say, in English, "Miss ____! He said I didn't have one so I showed it to him!"


• then after that hearing the kid next to him call him a "gaywad" [haven't heard that since 1987!]


• standing in my classroom, helplessly, as two kids shot racial slurs back at each other with great ease...it ended with one telling the other that he wished he had a brick so he could shove it through the other's head.

Fifth grade. Fifth grade! These children are ten, maybe eleven years old. It's so scary to think about what they're going to be doing five, ten years from now that I don't even want to think about it.

A Total Waste of Time

I have to discuss for a moment these idiotic standardized tests. It's bad enough that we have to teach to the stupid test and write all our lesson plans with teaching to the test in mind. Now we have to start doing these practice tests all the time. I'm irritated about it right now, because I have to spend the next three days doing nothing but standardized test practice. How the hell are these children ever supposed to learn anything if all I do is give them tests constantly? It's insane. Someone should go find the education commissioner and beat his head against the wall or something. It's so frustrating.

Struggling

They told us at the beginning of the school year that this period between Thanksgiving and Christmas would be the hardest weeks of the entire year. I don't know if it's just school or what, but I'm finding that to be true. Maybe it's just letdown after being on vacation and coming back to real life. Maybe it's the usual annoyances [being poor, boys, fatigue, etc.] or something else. I don't know. I just know that I'm having trouble getting excited about anything, and I have so much to do that I'm losing my mind.

I'm thinking very hard about not teaching next year. The Alternative Certification stuff is making me insane, and if I don't finish it, the only consequence is that I don't get certified. If I don't plan to teach next year, then, well, the certification doesn't really matter so much. The worst thing that could happen is that I don't get certified, have to be in the program again next year if I continue teaching, and I'm out another $750. I suppose it makes more sense to just suck it up and finish all the awful work now, rather than cost myself $750 due to laziness.

It's just so hard to want to do anything. Here's how my day goes: up at 6. At school at 7:45. Work until 4, 5, 6...sometimes 7 or 8. Today I left at 4, because I had class tonight. Come home. Go to the gym. Come home. Take a shower, eat, and be at class in another town by 7:20. I come home again, it's already almost 10 - the time at which I have to go to bed if I want to get 8 hours of sleep.

I sit in class and fantasize about anything to escape from that which is my life. This week, I can't even look forward to the weekend, because I have to go take some test at seven in the morning on Saturday. What idiotic fool plans things like that? I can't imagine saying, "Well, I think we should have the group of 25-30 year olds arrive at seven o'clock on Saturday morning." "Why yes, fellow idiotic test planner, I agree that seven o'clock is a fine time to make people who have to go drink themselves blind on Friday to erase the dreadful week they just had arrive to take a test!"

Only one more thing to complain about, then I'll shut up: I have an extra car I need to get rid of. The parking Gestapo at my complex informed me that I can no longer take up two places. Fine. But what am I going to do with this car? I realize that I need to sell it - believe me, I could use the money - but I haven't the time nor the energy to deal with that. I'd be willing to sell this car for half of what it's worth just to get rid of it.

Ok, on to happier things now. My hair is finally starting to look like it's growing long. I have made the foolish decision to grow my hair out again. I'm tired of having to dry it each morning. When it's long, I can just put it in a ponytail or braids or something. Much easier.

I got new living room furniture. Not yet, but as soon as I get my December paycheck [I'm practically counting the hours to December 20 - payday and the last day of school before winter break!] I'm paying the other 2/3 and bringing it home. It's this gorgeous 1950's couch/chair set. I can't really describe it. I took photos of it; I'll post them as soon as I get them developed.

Winter break is coming up soon. I have from December 26 through January 3 - that's eight days - to go do something. I want to go somewhere I've never been. I don't have a lot of money, obviously, but I will have enough to go somewhere. I'd really like to take the new car on some kind of road trip, but I've gone through the Southeast too many times already, and driving most anywhere else wouldn't be very safe due to winter weather conditions. I could drive out West, but there aren't very many places I'm too interested in going. What I'd really like to do is go to Montreal. I don't know why, but the city is appealing to me.

Finally

I feel like I really, truly made a difference in one of my kids' lives today. The new kid, of course.

This morning I had him go straight to the counselor to see if she could figure out at all what's up with him and his abrupt personality shifts/intense anger. Turns out he's got a bunch of brothers and sisters, and a mom he really misses. Parents split up and everyone stayed with mom except for him. How traumatic would that be? The counselor also told me that his little pants were so small on him that they were cutting into his skin. To me, that means neglect on the part of his father. Complete and total neglect. CIS [Communities in Schools] set him up with a new wardrobe, complete with this gorgeous down-lined jacket and lots of other nice things. The counselor said he wanted to try all of it on right then and was really excited to get new things. She brought him back to me about two hours after she initially got him, and we talked for a little bit - she told me about the family situation, and also something I already knew: he's a totally sad, distraught little boy that never gets any love from anyone, anywhere. I brought him in the room alone; there were no other kids there. He showed me his new jeans, and we talked. I asked him if he knew now that I cared about him, and that the school cared about him, and he said yes. I gave him a big hug and told him I'm going to do my best to make his life better. His behavior improved 2000% today. It's amazing what a little attention and love can do for a kid. And pants that fit. I think that helped too. They're also working on getting him set up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to spend part of my Christmas bonus buying presents for my kids, so I'll know that they'll all at least get something.

I don't know. I guess I'm doing something right. More than half of the parents I met with this week told me that their kids talk about me constantly and how much they love me. It breaks my heart to think that most of these kids will probably be out of my life after this year. I don't know if I'll be able to take the year in year out influx of kids and getting so close to them only to lose them nine months later. I think I'll try to move up with my kids until they go away to middle school. That is, if I stay at that school, or Dallas for that matter, for that long.

Something else I noticed this week: when I miss the TV shows that I absolutely can't miss, it's really not that big of a deal. A lot of stuff becomes less important when I think about the fact that what I do every day really is important. These kids have it rough. One mom explained to me that her daughter is weird because there's been "problems with domestic violence and her father" all year. He's been in and out of jail because he beats his wife. She let him come back because her daughters cry. I just wanted to say, "if he beats the hell out of you all the time, he's eventually going to hurt your children!" But they're super Catholic, and don't believe in divorce.

Another one of my girls is going to have pretty major surgery over Christmas break. At least half of them are bleeding from the mouth all the time because their parents can't afford dental care, and they're all so afraid of being caught and deported they won't take advantage of the free dental care available to them. It just never ends.

I got invited to my first birthday party today. It'll be so fun to see the kids all dressed in their normal clothes [I work at a uniform-mandated school] and for them to see me in a Flaming Lips shirt or whatever, and realize how weird their teacher is.

Everyone told me not to get too involved, not to become the kids' friend, but I don't see how anyone can not do that. These kids are people, and I spend forty hours every week with them. I'm going to get attached. I'd rather be their friend than just some faceless woman at the front of the room. The teachers I remember are the ones who let me into their lives, shared their families and stories with us. Maybe my students will remember me. I hope they do.

Parent-Teacher Conferences

Three parent conferences yesterday, seven today, 10 tomorrow. Then, I get to leave at 1:30 on Friday.

Today one of the conferences, the last one of the evening, was troubling. Not due to the kid, but his mom. She told me she was four months pregnant and got some really bad news from the doctor about the baby today. He told her she had until Friday to decide whether she would continue the pregnancy. I felt so sorry for her, unable to decide what to do, and scared because she's far away from her family and already has two kids to raise on a small amount of money each month. She is, at least, fortunate to have a good husband and two kids that are wonderful.*

I just don't know how much more of the personal drama and stress that I can take. And it all seems so vital and of great importance because it's kids I'm dealing with. Anything I say or do can affect them for the rest of their lives.

I'm thinking back now to when I was in third grade. My mom got divorced and I had to move to a new school in the middle of the year. My teacher took me under her wing and was so good to me. Maybe she knew my personal life was kind of a mess - maybe not - but I still remember her to this day.

I got a new kid today. He's pretty much a disaster. Obvious anger issues, sketchy dad, no mom, and a voice that sounds like he's probably already smoking the weed that I am fairly certain his dad was smoking before he brought him to school. I'm going to do my best with this kid, but I have a feeling he's going to present huge challenges for me in the near future.

*She ended up keeping the baby - who was born 100 percent perfect and healthy in spite of what the doctor thought he saw.

Parents and Students

Remember a while back when I was griping about the lady at the grocery store using food stamps to buy a bunch of stuff while she was wearing all this expensive jewelry? Well, today I saw the exact converse of that situation.

I am lame and always forget to pack my lunch. So, many days I end up at Sonic across the street. I know, I know. Fast food nation, unhealthy, bad, evil, etc. At least it's not McDonald's. This one lady always brings me my order; she's really sweet, and seems to work so hard. She's always there. So today I noticed she was married, and assumed she had kids. I asked if she had any kids at my school. It turns out her daughter is one of my students!

I thought about that woman a lot today, and also about the family of one of my other students. This girl lives with four adults, four other children, and a baby in a two-bedroom apartment. How is that possible??

Blah. Not much else to say. Had a big visit from the district today, and for the twenty minutes that the woman was in my room, my kids were noisy, unruly, and awful. A boy even did cartwheels across the room.